CSA: An Open Letter To My Abuser

5th October 2013


To My Abuser,

Ever since that first night every night is a long night. I have tried to blame myself for the things you have done to me but I can’t because it’s no ones fault other than yours.

Some days I feel like I’m fighting a battle that has no way of being won, some days I don’t want to face the day, sometimes I just want everything to stop. But then I think, if I wasn’t here then you have won – no one would know and you could be doing, what you have done, continue to do to me, to someone else.

Everything for you is so normal, so easy – there are no consequences for what you have done. Not yet.

Outside of me I project a confident, happy, smiling person, on the inside I’m stuck. I’m still that little girl I was on that first night, frozen, I don’t want her to be within me any more it’s like having a ghost haunting me everyday and night making me relive every tough you made on me, torturing me – I don’t want you and what you did to define me. Not any more.

Some days I want to cry. But I feel stupid. Why should I cry any more over something I can’t control.

Sometimes when I was younger I wouldn’t eat properly. I would do everything I could to avoid it simply to just prove to myself that I still had some control over myself, me, my body.

I’m scared now, more than ever that Nan & Granddad won’t believe it and that I’ll lose them to you and what you did to me.

Sometimes its harder now that people know, sometimes I preferred it when they thought I was being a typical teenager with ridiculous moods.

The weird thing is I don’t wish you any harm or hurt, I don’t feel the need to insult you and call you names. I pity you and the fact  you  had to take the innocence of a young girl, your niece, your sister’s daughter away.

The worst thing for me is that I’ll never know why, why me, what did I do?

This, you, what you did is always there in my mind. If it’s not what I’m thinking about right then it is still there waiting to come to the front of my mind. You shouldn’t have that much of my mind.

Sometime I get angry at everyone else telling me it will be okay. But it will be it’s just frustrating that no one can tell me when or how to make it okay.

I’ve always wanted to prove myself. I used to think it was to my Mum and Dad but recently I’ve realised it wasn’t/ It was to me and you. To me to show me you don’t control me. To you to show you that what you did won’t hold me back.

This will always be with me. I don’t like the word victim and I don’t like the word survivor. I’m none of those things – to me I’m Stacey. Stacey with a secret, a past, a story. Everyone has one, some people might say that mine is more shocking, horrific, or some other word but I don’t. There are people in this world who have been through worse and are going through worse. It’s the thought of people like them that makes me thankful and makes me want to keep fighting my little battle. I’m still here able to fight, some people don’t have that chance.

I don’t want your daughter to lose her Dad to a prison sentence. But then its not fair for her to live with the belief that you haven’t done anything wrong. When you have taken so much from me.

Getting this far wasn’t easy but for you I bet it was. Telling my Mum and Dad was the worst thing I have ever done. I felt like I had torn their world apart when in reality it was you. I have been dealing with this for so long but for them it’s all new. They have so many questions and I don’t want to be answering them. You should be answering them and you will be because I’ve finally been able to go to the police.

When all of this comes out I don’t know what will happen I’m scared of everyone’s reaction. If they will believe me. In their eyes you do everything right, you have a good job, you fix everyone’s probems. It’s ironic really because you made a huge problem for me.

I’ve got more fears now than when all of this was actually happening.

The letter finishes there and I didn’t sign it off. I remember writing this letter in the early hours one morning when I couldn’t sleep and was thinking things over and over.

– Stacey xo

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